In With the New

A Mirena is now inside my uterus.
This happened yesterday. I was pretty worried 'cause of the massive amounts of pain I went through getting the Paraguard, especially the horrid cramping well into the night.
This one was a breeze, comparatively. It was no picnic, to be sure. There are certain kinds of pain that are worse than others, and having my cervix cracked open is one of my least favorites. But it was over quickly and the only drawback was that my pulse was low, so I was nauseated and they had to keep me horizontal for a while. My clinician said that it was probably easier because since she took my Paraguard out (which wasn't bad at all), my cervix was more relaxed than it would have been.
I had a little cramping last night and this morning, but very mild.
Apparently it's likely that I'll have spotting for 2-3 months, but they really can't give me an idea of how this will effect me. It's different for everyone.
I like the ladies at this Planned Parenthood. They're down to earth and supercool. My clinician is a roller derby girl.

Goddamn Catholic Hospital Sons of Bitches

I'm so angry right now I can barely see straight. My friend had a panic attack last night and made the unintentional mistake of going to a Catholic hospital, where they kept her for twelve hours, refused to give her medication, tried to convince her not to have an abortion and threatened to send her to a psychiatric hospital. She went in for a panic attack. It's not like she went in and said, hey priest, give me an abortion!
She said it was the worst night of her life.
There has to be something she can do. I know right now she just needs to take care of herself, but I am so furious and just want to DO SOMETHING. Like wring their fucking necks.
How can this be legal? How can they sleep at night?
And what can we do?

1 out of 3 is you

Hey girl,

Of course, of course I'm not angry!
I wish you didn't have to go through this. I know your body is even more sensitive than mine, so I know you'll feel the changes that happen so quickly even more acutely. Our hips wanna pop out some kids, I guess!
I find it interesting that I never even asked if you were keeping it and you never brought up that possibility. We have so much stuff we need to do-- that we are meant to do--before we consider care of little ones (besides my cat).
If you want me to come with you I will. Having you there during my procedure meant the world to me.
Call me whenever. Tell me it sucks as many times as you want.
Dude. You're gonna be okay. Look at me! I'm fine. And it brought me and my boyfriend even closer together and I bet it will do the same for you. And ya know, as much as it sucked, I wouldn't take back any of it--although I will do everything in my power to prevent its happening again. It's one more experience we have to draw from. That's what this crazy life thing is all about; that's what we do.
Also, another plus for the surgical option is that you can now have an IUD put in right away (they started doing that just a couple of months after my abortion).
Let's have a fantastic vegan brunch tomorrow.

Love,

Eve

The Switch

I think I'm gonna bite the bullet. My period is currently on day 10 and without ibuprofen I was curled up in agony on my parents' couch during Thanksgiving. I made an appointment for two weeks out to switch from the Paraguard to the Mirena. I really don't like the idea of random periods and hormones, but I like heavy flows, major cramps and pregnancy a lot less. I talked to someone at Planned Parenthood, and she said that if my periods haven't gotten any easier after 8 months, they'll most likely stay this way. So I'm stuck in this lesser-of-two-evils-rock-and-a-hard-place situation.
Here's my prayer: Dear whomever, please let the Mirena make my periods become spotting so I don't get stuck with embarrassing situations and discolored underwear.
Thanks.

Joy to the World

My period has come!
I threw my fist into the air with a throaty "yes--yes!" as I looked into the toilet exactly a week after the due date.
I am going to try to go sans ibuprofen to really test the effects of the acupuncture thus far. My period usually gets really heavy and incredibly painful around day 3 or 4, so we'll see how that goes. I never thought my old 6 day cycle would seem like a relief, but I would welcome it back with open arms at this point. I'm sick of this 8-12 day business. Acupuncture is my last try before resorting to the Mirena. You hear that, Paraguard? You're gonna be toast if you don't wise up, buddy.

In case you're just tuning in....

I had an abortion in April. I got an IUD because I never want to have an abortion again but want to practice baby-making. My period is currently 5 days late. I'm not pregnant. Unless God is messing with me.

Take 2

5 days late. I figured it was time to get another pregnancy test. I went to the nearest Walgreens and found the tests locked up. That's pretty shitty, Walgreens. The last thing I wanted to do was go ask someone to unlock the pregnancy tests. And the very nice girl behind the photo counter just had to repeat "pregnancy test?" after I asked (that's not something that needs repeating, lady), and told me that she asked her doctor for one 'cause she was paying $25 for the appointment anyway.
But Jesus spoke through the CLEARBLUE. I like that brand, by the way. Clear, as advertised. And Not Pregnant.
So WTF is going on with my period? Can the acupuncture really be messing with it this much? It's not supposed to make it later. It's supposed to make it shorter.

I have one more test for later just in case.

The Scare

My period is two days late. I'm normally as regular as clockwork. So I took a test this morning. And I finally got the 'NOT PREGNANT' I was looking so hard for all those months ago. The heart beating through my chest was the same. The trying not to look while it's flashing but glancing every other second was the same.
I recently started acupuncture to shorten my periods and help the cramping. I don't want to rely on 800mg of ibuprofen every 6 hours. So this is my last resort before I switch to the Mirena. Which I would rather not do. But I've been so tired all the time and my acupuncturist thinks it might be because my body is putting out so much. Literally. I've been excited to find out if it's helping. But no luck as of yet. I don't even want sex, which is out of character for me. I think-- I hope it was because of the scare. I hope that tonight is different, because I hate laying next to my boyfriend and not wanting him.

About kids

I've been wondering about kids lately.
My boyfriend has made it clear that he wouldn't mind never having them, and that he'd probably have to be talked into it with his arm twisted tightly behind him.
I was sure I wanted kids with my ex. He had this dream once that he was teaching a big workshop on the property of a mansion and someone asked his where his wife was, because I usually taught this workshop. And he looked back at the porch at there I was, playing the guitar, with a big, swollen, 8 months pregnant belly. And I thought that was the best dream anyone had ever had.
I wonder if my ambitions re children have to do with what my partner wants. I always thought that if I had gotten pregnant with my ex's child, I wouldn't have been able to get rid of it. But as soon as I had this pre-baby inside me, I knew I wanted it out.
Here's the ironic thing: my current boyfriend is far more supportive than my last one and I think I love him even more deeply.
I don't know if I want a child. Maybe. My guy would make an amazing father.
I wonder what I would do if I got pregnant again. I hope I don't have to find out anytime soon.

More on that pesky IUD

I just finished my 5th period since getting the IUD. After 8 days. Better. I learned a trick when I went in for my follow-up: take 800 mg of ibuprofen every 6 hours for the first three days. It's either that, or my uterus is getting used to the thing inside it... I don't want to risk finding out which, 'cause a couple of months ago my period was holding steady at 12 days and major cramping... which is helped almost entirely by the preemptive 800 mg....

I would recommend this thing highly to anyone who doesn't want to end up in Planned Parenthood getting a pre-baby sucked out of them. Although my sis just went in for an exam and asked about it and the doctor said not to get one unless you're in a monogamous relationship because if you get an STD the IUD can greatly complicate it. So that.

I still have a bit of a baby complex. In that I really want one a lot less than I used to. We'll see how that pans out.

IUD update

I'm on day 11 of my period. Wait-- 11? Is that right? Yup. I just counted again. I think it might be almost over. And the cramps! Oh, mother, they're a bitch and a half. Not as bad as the night I got my IUD, but that's only because of the lack of frequency and duration. Even with 800 mg of ibuprofen they are temporarily crippling. I have found myself doubled over on several methods of public transportation. I really hope this gets better.

Wow. I just received a call from a friend of mine who told me that she just found out that a condom broke a week ago and asked me what she should do. It's just never-ending. Thank God for the options.

Normalcy is wonderful

I feel like a human being again. Finally. I haven't gotten up the courage to check for my IUD strings yet (I don't know why; I'm not usually shy about those things) and I have slight cramping now and then, but other than that, I'm back in pre-pregnancy shape... or will be after a couple more weeks at the gym....
And I finally enjoy sex again. Even when we were technically allowed to go for it, I still felt injured, both in body and spirit. Sex didn't seem sexual. But I'm back! It's been been about 8 weeks since I found out I was pregnant, but it seems an eternity ago. It's warm out and I'm in flip-flops, about to go to the gym.

I feel like this is the ending to some Lifetime film, and I'm getting ready to ride my bike into the shiny April haze.

What they don't tell you

Or at least, what they didn't tell ME about getting the IUD, was that it is very possible for you to be doubled over in I-can't-sleep-'cause-this-hurts-too-much pain the night after you get it.
And the websites all say that "mild cramping" is normal, to be relieved by ibuprofen or Midol. I was on 1000 mg of Midol and 800 mg of ibuprofen and I still was seized by massive cramping every couple of minutes. So I did what any scared, hurting and neurotic young lady would do: Made her boyfriend give her a back rub and called the emergency Planned Parenthood hotline at 2:00am. A few minutes later I was called back by the on -call doctor, who also happened to be my abortion doctor. She sounded like she'd been woken up, but she was so kind and helpful. She said that she too had been miserable the night she got her IUD, and that some uterus(es? uteri?) have trouble adjusting and all they know how to do is cramp, but it was so worth it. And if it was still this painful in the morning, to schedule an appointment for that day. And to take something to knock myself out.
So I took 2 Tylenol PM and fell asleep. And felt much better in the morning. I'm still uncomfortable, but nothing like last night.

"Mild cramping" my ass.

My abortion doctor is a rock star.

I wish my boyfriend could have either gotten the abortion or the IUD

My follow-up appointment was today. I'm fine; didn't even need an ultrasound. I did, however, get a Paraguard IUD. It's the one with a copper wire wrapped around it. I'm kind of regretting that I didn't get the Mirena, which is the one with progestin. I don't like the idea of putting hormones in my body and when I was on the pill I got my period twice a month. So I opted for the one with no hormones. I forgot, however, that I'm a total wuss when it comes to discomfort, and with the Paraguard, you're more likely to have longer, heavier, more uncomfortable periods. If the cramps I'm experiencing now are anything like the ones I'm gonna get with my period from now on, I may very well get it taken out and get the Mirena put in. You don't really get full periods with the Mirena, but you may get some spotting throughout the month. I like that I get my period. It makes me feel like I'm doin' alright. But it may go by the wayside as a sacrifice to the sex gods.
They told me to wait 6 months to decide whether or not to keep it. I am extremely grumpy and crampy. And I'm bleeding. I am so ready for all this to be over.
At least I can go to yoga in the morning.

and the rain came tumbling down

I went to Naomi's baby shower yesterday. I was still doing my happy-no-baby dance in my head when I saw her belly; while beautiful, I knew I didn't want it. And then I felt it, and I felt his shoulder move under her taut skin. And oh, oh I thought, this is what I could have had, this little person that's part of me, this little person inside. It was mine, my pre-baby, a full centimeter from crown to rump. It was me and my boy whom I love and someone else all together. And I couldn't hold it in. Luckily I was alone in the kitchen with one of my best friends, and he held me as I silently shook. And then we went for more champagne.
It was all over in a matter of minutes; I was happy again so quickly. But there it was. My elusive sadness.

Follow up appointment tomorrow. Still bleeding a little.

Oh, to be a farmer's wife

I had coffee with my friend Erica this morning. Erica has wanted to be a mommy her entire life. She has been very supportive of me and my decision, although today she was a bit perplexed when she found out how happy I am that I don't have this thing that was, a week and a half ago, growing inside my belly. She thought I would be sad, despite being sure of my decision. I do have littlebittyeensytiny flickers when I think about this thing that would have been part me, but only when I think of an alternate universe in which I'm also a farmer's wife on the prairie, churning butter and picking daisies.
Erica cooed and ahhed over the very new little one that belonged to the owner of the coffee shop, while I stood admiring the bundle of joy and being overwhelmingly glad that she wasn't mine.

Now I'm going to fill my belly with ravioli and soy sausage.

It's not over yet....

I'm bleeding again. I haven't for about 3 or 4 days, so I really thought I was done. I'm a little worried, but it's not too heavy, so I'll just chalk it up to randomness and leave it at that. I've also been a little crampy, but I'm not gonna take anything for it, because I like having a conversation with my body instead of blocking it out.

2 weeks or 14 days or 336 hours

No yoga, no weights, no running, no stairmaster, no heavy lifting. And no sex, obviously.
I'm going nutso.

Fact: what would be a vacation if it was self-imposed is frustrating since it's imposed by the gods at Planned Parenthood.

My follow-up is for next Monday, and if the gods deem it right, I'll also get my IUD. And I'll be able to work out.

I feel FINE. Just cranky.

Interview with Babs, #2

Dream interview with Barbara Walters:

Babs: Wow, Eve, it looks like you've make quite the comeback. Do you have any feelings of regret or sadness?

Me: Well, Barbara, only if I make myself. If I think very hard about how I deliberately killed part of myself that could have grown up into a person, I feel slightly sad. But when I think of the fact that I'm not pregnant, or see a little kid in the grocery store, I think, yippee! And do my happy dance.

Babs: Is it true that your happy dance includes balloons?

Me: Yes. In my head there are balloons.

Babs: Are you still feeling any physical residue?

Me: Well, yes. I have very slight cramps and a very little bleeding, and I tire more quickly than usual. And my body still thinks it's pregnant. My boobs are still sore and swollen. But it's more in my head now, I think. I know I can't have sex for another week and a half, and I'm actually okay with that. I think I'm still a little battle scarred.

Babs: And how is your relationship?

Me: It seems to be back on track! I'm moving in with my boyfriend (which we'd been planning before all the shit hit the fan), but I hadn't been looking forward to it during the last few weeks.
Now I'm excited again and mentally decorating!

Babs: If you had to, would you do this again?

Me: In a heartbeat.

Two Days After the Extraction

Still bleeding a bit, still a bit crampy, although I'm not regularly taking ibuprofen (day one I was popping pills right at the minute I could). I could only walk for short distances yesterday, but today I ran some errands without feeling exhausted.
I can't shake this feeling of relief (nor do I particularly want to)! I do my little happy dance in my head about 20 times a day. I feel like I've aged a couple of years in the last few weeks, but I also feel like the possibilities are endless... I don't have a baby! I can do anything...! My vagina still feels-- emotionally, not physically-- like a piece of raw meat, and this may be the first time since I started having sex that I have no desire to. My boyfriend assures me that he would sleep with me right now if he could, but I don't think that a bleeding, post- abortion girl is very attractive... maybe what's attractive is a girlfriend with no embryo....

It's over, it's over.....lalalalalala......

I don't feel NEARLY as crappy as I did yesterday, and I'm so glad I chose the surgical option over the medical. And I'm really glad I chose not to be sedated. There was a girl in the recovery room next to me who had been sedated, and she asked me, Did it hurt? Yes. Yes, it did. But I feel sort of like myself today, and my recovery time will be much quicker than if I'd chosen to be asleep (or if I'd chosen the medical, for that matter). Last night I felt like there was a big, gaping hole inside of me (isn't it funny what knowledge can do?), but today I feel a just a little crampy, and I'm still bleeding a little. But every time I think, I'm not pregnant! I do a little happy dance inside my head. I thought I would be grieving, and perhaps I just haven't hit that stage yet, but I'm just so relieved that I can go back to normal! My boobs are still big and tender, and I'll probably still be hormonal for a couple of weeks, but it's all on the downswing. Ladeeda.
No sex, though. Or drinking. For two weeks. Although right now I have no desire to put anything up in me anyway. But I'm sure in a couple of days I'll be as randy as a college frat boy and ready to get back on the horse. So to speak.

Also, it helps if your doctor is a tall, pretty, kind redhead that you kind of wish you were friends with.

Don't have an unwanted pregnancy

But if you do, get some good movies for later.

The abortion part sucks. Big time. First of all, the waiting part is just no fun. I was even lucky enough to be with my bestest girlfriend & I really couldn't have had a better person. We were contemplating dance numbers & little ironies all day. But I was there for almost 5 1/2 hours.
Secondly, the actual event is no picnic. They were right: there is cramping, with one BIG one during the last 45 seconds. I had two. But what's worse (at least for me, and they didn't tell me about this) is the after part. The part where I was having major cramps, nausea, dizziness, clamminess, and tingling in my hands. And I fainted. I was already in the wheelchair at that point, and she told me to sit up straight, and I said, I think I'm going to faint, and promptly did.
I didn't feel remotely like myself (even though I attempted some pretty lame jokes) for about 20 minutes. And now, 4 hours later, I still feel very weak and I'm cramping, even with the meds. They do say that if meds aren't enough to contact them 'cause there may be a problem, but I don't think I'm that bad, especially since the meds do work for the first couple of hours. It's just this last half hour or so. I get more in 40 minutes!

Okay, back to Return of the Jedi.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow

In less than 24 hours I will be freeeeee......!
It's actually happening this time, no fooling. I'm sure it will be fine, even though they make you sign something saying you won't sue if you die....
I'm so ready; just get this thing outta me so maybe I can start adoring my boyfriend again and maybe he'll start sleeping with me again. It's been a little bumpy lately.
I have this new knowledge, though. That I have this new part of me. I feel like more than myself, somehow. And I wonder if that will remain after the cells have been suctioned out.

Bye-bye, potential baby.

If you've got it....

I think I'm going to wear a low-cut shirt tonight.
I rarely do that. But I've only got these puppies until Tuesday (or thereabouts-- how long does it take boobs to deflate after abortions?) and I may as well flaunt 'em.

I'm just waiting now. I honestly thought that I could get this taken care of as soon as I found out about it-- and the side effects from the medical just sound too gruesome and time-consuming-- but here I am, still fertilized. It really goes to show how information changes everything. Back when I found out, there was barely a speck inside me, but I felt closer to it then than I do now. When it didn't exist at all, hardly, I thought of it as a potential person. But now I think of it as something unwanted and soulless. That sounded cruel, and I don't know if I believe myself.

Nope.

I'm 4 weeks and 6 days pregnant. Approximately. Give or take, ya know. Which means that I'm officially scheduled for not this Tuesday, but the next one.

There were people praying with pictures of babies outside of the Planned Parenthood. I was almost hoping they'd say something so I could use a snazzy reply like, I bet you wish YOU were getting laid, or I'm saving MY life, or be all classy about it and just flash the peace sign. But they just kept on praying for my unborn's soul and the nice girls outside held the door for me.

Inside was waiting and more waiting and finally the ultrasound. Fact: Fetuses have growth spurts. It's really hard to tell how old it is, because some weeks it grows a lot and others not at all. Mine's itsy-bitsy. Just a tiny dark spot on the ultrasounds and in my uterus. A mere speck.

Next Tuesday better come quickly, because I kicked the elevator door at Whole Foods with venom because it closed on me.

Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps

Tomorrow is the day I'm technically scheduled for the abortion. If I got pregnant on the first day of my last period, I'm 6 weeks and 4 days at this point, but seeing as that's highly unlikely, I'm giving a 70% chance to going home sans empty uterus.

I've felt heaviness throughout my being today and yesterday. My hormones have been out of control. My skin is going nuts and I cry at the drop of a hat. Or the drop of a feather, really.

There is a tiny part of me that likes this new thing that's happening, that knows my body is so very happy to be doing this growing and nurturing thing, and that little part is sad.
But I want to be back to normal tomorrow.

Ugly, Grumpy, Fat

I should stress, first of all, that I am anything but fat, so I apologize to anyone who is actually overweight, because it may seem insulting when I say that I feel fat. But I do. I feel like a slimy ball of lard with a giant underground zit and burgeoning breasts.
I made the mistake of going clothes shopping today. Someone should outlaw shopping while pregnant (for anything but maternity clothes, which I--obviously-- do not require), or at least post warning labels. I gave up after two outfits. No more pre-abortion shopping for this girl.

Growing up, the museum near my house had what I believe were actual little fetuses in the stages of development. I don't remember how big the six week one was. I'm sure I could find out, but I'm not sure I really want to know.
I haven't decided whether I'm going to look at the ultrasound. Being a vegetarian for the i-hate-killing-animals reason, I believe that people who eat meat should know where it comes from and how it's killed. Should not I, then, be able to look at this potential thing inside me before I reject it?

"I'm pregnant."

I wish I could see the expression on my face when I mention that I'm pregnant. I don't tell many people, but I love the shock value, and I think that's evident. My thoughts are always transparent through my skin, and I may even be the slightest bit gleeful. But I should get a little pleasure out of this, right?
Maybe I could use this to my advantage. "Could I get that OJ now, please? I'm pregnant. Could I take this seat? I'm pregnant. I'm intolerant to you because I'm pregnant."
Sometimes it's nice having the secret, too. 'You don't know I'm pregnant,' I think during conversations. 'You have no idea.'

The nice thing about having this happen is that now I don't have to worry about it happening. This is what it's like. It's kind of a relief, actually. One less "what if." And I know that I'll be okay. That's a pretty comforting thought.

Sex

Is the new thing that makes me cry.

When I got back into town, sex was the first thing on the menu, obviously. Little did I know that midway through I would turn over and start to sob. Small sentences like, "I just want it gone" would emerge at intervals.
I know I'm incredibly lucky to have such a supportive boyfriend, but I didn't want to be anywhere near him that night.

It's been better yesterday and today. I no longer cry at the mention of babies. I enjoy sleeping with my boyfriend.
My boobs are getting out of hand. Good thing my abortion is scheduled for Saturday, or I'd have to buy new bras. I'm getting the surgical, have I mentioned that? So if I'm not 6 weeks along already they'll have to push it back.

Calling this hotline was a mistake:

1-800-395-HELP.

They tried (albeit gently) to counsel me into not getting an abortion. I hung up on them.

Do call this hotline:

1-800-772-9100.

It may take a while to get through, but they're the good guys.


This is NOT the way to ask someone if they're getting an abortion:
"You're dismissing the child?"

Update: Lots of water and veggies helps the constipation.

Two Days After the Beginning

The beginning was the day I actually found out I was pregnant.

The day before doesn't count, although I took two pregnancy tests in the bathroom of the hotel I've been staying in for the past week (I'm out of town for work). I got the cheapest two-pack I could find at the grocery store, figuring that I was intelligent enough to figure out the white boxes with pink lines. Not so. The second line is supposed to appear within three minutes if you're knocked up, and by 2 1/2 minutes there was absolutely no pink line. After 4 minutes there was the faintest of faint lines and after ten there was a darker one. But the stupid instructions said not to trust results after ten minutes. So I figured, take two would be more conclusive. Not so. Same line(s), same time frame. So I had a beer (out of revolt to my potential fate) and decided to get a digital test the next day. A+ FOR DIGITAL TESTS. "Pregnant" appeared within 1 minute. Of course, I spent the next couple of minutes checking to see if I had a blind spot where the word "not" was supposed to be....
But I didn't believe it. Sure, my period was 6 days late. Sure, my boyfriend and I have been using the rhythm. But we've been religious about it and it's worked for months.
Even calling him didn't make me believe it, although I was shaking and I cried a bit.
I've been crying on and off since (only once in public, yay!), still in disbelief, and, dare I say, shock.
Here is a list of things that make me cry:

1) Cute videos of babies on YouTube.

2) Thinking about whether it would be a boy or a girl.

3) Wondering if it would like fairy tales.

4) A co-worker telling me I left water boiling in the teapot.


Here is a list of things that make me sure I want an abortion:

1) I'm very selfish and career- driven.

2) I'm probably moving across the country in a year, and probably without my boyfriend.

3) I'm very selfish and career- driven.

4) I love my body.

5) I'm very selfish and career- driven.


Dream Q & A with Barbara Walters:

Babs: So, Eve, how is your body changing at this early stage?

Me: Well, Barbara, my breasts are swollen and heavy, I'm constipated, I have little cramps throughout the day that last under 10 seconds, and my normal eat-until-you-drop relationship with food has become tenuous.

Babs: That must be very difficult for you. Except for the swollen breasts part.

Me: Well, actually, I was very fond of my breast size. And my boyfriend doesn't want them any bigger.

Babs: He must be a very unusual boyfriend.

Me: Oh, yes. He's being pretty great about this whole thing. He wants to know everything that's going on with my body and anything else I want to talk about. He does say, " holy shit" with regularity, but that's to be expected. I haven't been able to see him since we found out, and part of me is very excited to see him tomorrow, and the other part of me wants to move to Timbuktu.

Babs: Well, we'll keep in touch throughout this experience. I'm sure you're very tired and want to get some rest.

Me: Yes. Thank you.


Footnote: I haven't had any dreams about babies. They've mostly been about air travel.