Two Days After the Beginning

The beginning was the day I actually found out I was pregnant.

The day before doesn't count, although I took two pregnancy tests in the bathroom of the hotel I've been staying in for the past week (I'm out of town for work). I got the cheapest two-pack I could find at the grocery store, figuring that I was intelligent enough to figure out the white boxes with pink lines. Not so. The second line is supposed to appear within three minutes if you're knocked up, and by 2 1/2 minutes there was absolutely no pink line. After 4 minutes there was the faintest of faint lines and after ten there was a darker one. But the stupid instructions said not to trust results after ten minutes. So I figured, take two would be more conclusive. Not so. Same line(s), same time frame. So I had a beer (out of revolt to my potential fate) and decided to get a digital test the next day. A+ FOR DIGITAL TESTS. "Pregnant" appeared within 1 minute. Of course, I spent the next couple of minutes checking to see if I had a blind spot where the word "not" was supposed to be....
But I didn't believe it. Sure, my period was 6 days late. Sure, my boyfriend and I have been using the rhythm. But we've been religious about it and it's worked for months.
Even calling him didn't make me believe it, although I was shaking and I cried a bit.
I've been crying on and off since (only once in public, yay!), still in disbelief, and, dare I say, shock.
Here is a list of things that make me cry:

1) Cute videos of babies on YouTube.

2) Thinking about whether it would be a boy or a girl.

3) Wondering if it would like fairy tales.

4) A co-worker telling me I left water boiling in the teapot.


Here is a list of things that make me sure I want an abortion:

1) I'm very selfish and career- driven.

2) I'm probably moving across the country in a year, and probably without my boyfriend.

3) I'm very selfish and career- driven.

4) I love my body.

5) I'm very selfish and career- driven.


Dream Q & A with Barbara Walters:

Babs: So, Eve, how is your body changing at this early stage?

Me: Well, Barbara, my breasts are swollen and heavy, I'm constipated, I have little cramps throughout the day that last under 10 seconds, and my normal eat-until-you-drop relationship with food has become tenuous.

Babs: That must be very difficult for you. Except for the swollen breasts part.

Me: Well, actually, I was very fond of my breast size. And my boyfriend doesn't want them any bigger.

Babs: He must be a very unusual boyfriend.

Me: Oh, yes. He's being pretty great about this whole thing. He wants to know everything that's going on with my body and anything else I want to talk about. He does say, " holy shit" with regularity, but that's to be expected. I haven't been able to see him since we found out, and part of me is very excited to see him tomorrow, and the other part of me wants to move to Timbuktu.

Babs: Well, we'll keep in touch throughout this experience. I'm sure you're very tired and want to get some rest.

Me: Yes. Thank you.


Footnote: I haven't had any dreams about babies. They've mostly been about air travel.