Monday, April 27, 2009

Normalcy is wonderful

I feel like a human being again. Finally. I haven't gotten up the courage to check for my IUD strings yet (I don't know why; I'm not usually shy about those things) and I have slight cramping now and then, but other than that, I'm back in pre-pregnancy shape... or will be after a couple more weeks at the gym....
And I finally enjoy sex again. Even when we were technically allowed to go for it, I still felt injured, both in body and spirit. Sex didn't seem sexual. But I'm back! It's been been about 8 weeks since I found out I was pregnant, but it seems an eternity ago. It's warm out and I'm in flip-flops, about to go to the gym.

I feel like this is the ending to some Lifetime film, and I'm getting ready to ride my bike into the shiny April haze.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

What they don't tell you

Or at least, what they didn't tell ME about getting the IUD, was that it is very possible for you to be doubled over in I-can't-sleep-'cause-this-hurts-too-much pain the night after you get it.
And the websites all say that "mild cramping" is normal, to be relieved by ibuprofen or Midol. I was on 1000 mg of Midol and 800 mg of ibuprofen and I still was seized by massive cramping every couple of minutes. So I did what any scared, hurting and neurotic young lady would do: Made her boyfriend give her a back rub and called the emergency Planned Parenthood hotline at 2:00am. A few minutes later I was called back by the on -call doctor, who also happened to be my abortion doctor. She sounded like she'd been woken up, but she was so kind and helpful. She said that she too had been miserable the night she got her IUD, and that some uterus(es? uteri?) have trouble adjusting and all they know how to do is cramp, but it was so worth it. And if it was still this painful in the morning, to schedule an appointment for that day. And to take something to knock myself out.
So I took 2 Tylenol PM and fell asleep. And felt much better in the morning. I'm still uncomfortable, but nothing like last night.

"Mild cramping" my ass.

My abortion doctor is a rock star.

Monday, April 20, 2009

I wish my boyfriend could have either gotten the abortion or the IUD

My follow-up appointment was today. I'm fine; didn't even need an ultrasound. I did, however, get a Paraguard IUD. It's the one with a copper wire wrapped around it. I'm kind of regretting that I didn't get the Mirena, which is the one with progestin. I don't like the idea of putting hormones in my body and when I was on the pill I got my period twice a month. So I opted for the one with no hormones. I forgot, however, that I'm a total wuss when it comes to discomfort, and with the Paraguard, you're more likely to have longer, heavier, more uncomfortable periods. If the cramps I'm experiencing now are anything like the ones I'm gonna get with my period from now on, I may very well get it taken out and get the Mirena put in. You don't really get full periods with the Mirena, but you may get some spotting throughout the month. I like that I get my period. It makes me feel like I'm doin' alright. But it may go by the wayside as a sacrifice to the sex gods.
They told me to wait 6 months to decide whether or not to keep it. I am extremely grumpy and crampy. And I'm bleeding. I am so ready for all this to be over.
At least I can go to yoga in the morning.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

and the rain came tumbling down

I went to Naomi's baby shower yesterday. I was still doing my happy-no-baby dance in my head when I saw her belly; while beautiful, I knew I didn't want it. And then I felt it, and I felt his shoulder move under her taut skin. And oh, oh I thought, this is what I could have had, this little person that's part of me, this little person inside. It was mine, my pre-baby, a full centimeter from crown to rump. It was me and my boy whom I love and someone else all together. And I couldn't hold it in. Luckily I was alone in the kitchen with one of my best friends, and he held me as I silently shook. And then we went for more champagne.
It was all over in a matter of minutes; I was happy again so quickly. But there it was. My elusive sadness.

Follow up appointment tomorrow. Still bleeding a little.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Oh, to be a farmer's wife

I had coffee with my friend Erica this morning. Erica has wanted to be a mommy her entire life. She has been very supportive of me and my decision, although today she was a bit perplexed when she found out how happy I am that I don't have this thing that was, a week and a half ago, growing inside my belly. She thought I would be sad, despite being sure of my decision. I do have littlebittyeensytiny flickers when I think about this thing that would have been part me, but only when I think of an alternate universe in which I'm also a farmer's wife on the prairie, churning butter and picking daisies.
Erica cooed and ahhed over the very new little one that belonged to the owner of the coffee shop, while I stood admiring the bundle of joy and being overwhelmingly glad that she wasn't mine.

Now I'm going to fill my belly with ravioli and soy sausage.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

It's not over yet....

I'm bleeding again. I haven't for about 3 or 4 days, so I really thought I was done. I'm a little worried, but it's not too heavy, so I'll just chalk it up to randomness and leave it at that. I've also been a little crampy, but I'm not gonna take anything for it, because I like having a conversation with my body instead of blocking it out.

Monday, April 13, 2009

2 weeks or 14 days or 336 hours

No yoga, no weights, no running, no stairmaster, no heavy lifting. And no sex, obviously.
I'm going nutso.

Fact: what would be a vacation if it was self-imposed is frustrating since it's imposed by the gods at Planned Parenthood.

My follow-up is for next Monday, and if the gods deem it right, I'll also get my IUD. And I'll be able to work out.

I feel FINE. Just cranky.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Interview with Babs, #2

Dream interview with Barbara Walters:

Babs: Wow, Eve, it looks like you've make quite the comeback. Do you have any feelings of regret or sadness?

Me: Well, Barbara, only if I make myself. If I think very hard about how I deliberately killed part of myself that could have grown up into a person, I feel slightly sad. But when I think of the fact that I'm not pregnant, or see a little kid in the grocery store, I think, yippee! And do my happy dance.

Babs: Is it true that your happy dance includes balloons?

Me: Yes. In my head there are balloons.

Babs: Are you still feeling any physical residue?

Me: Well, yes. I have very slight cramps and a very little bleeding, and I tire more quickly than usual. And my body still thinks it's pregnant. My boobs are still sore and swollen. But it's more in my head now, I think. I know I can't have sex for another week and a half, and I'm actually okay with that. I think I'm still a little battle scarred.

Babs: And how is your relationship?

Me: It seems to be back on track! I'm moving in with my boyfriend (which we'd been planning before all the shit hit the fan), but I hadn't been looking forward to it during the last few weeks.
Now I'm excited again and mentally decorating!

Babs: If you had to, would you do this again?

Me: In a heartbeat.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Two Days After the Extraction

Still bleeding a bit, still a bit crampy, although I'm not regularly taking ibuprofen (day one I was popping pills right at the minute I could). I could only walk for short distances yesterday, but today I ran some errands without feeling exhausted.
I can't shake this feeling of relief (nor do I particularly want to)! I do my little happy dance in my head about 20 times a day. I feel like I've aged a couple of years in the last few weeks, but I also feel like the possibilities are endless... I don't have a baby! I can do anything...! My vagina still feels-- emotionally, not physically-- like a piece of raw meat, and this may be the first time since I started having sex that I have no desire to. My boyfriend assures me that he would sleep with me right now if he could, but I don't think that a bleeding, post- abortion girl is very attractive... maybe what's attractive is a girlfriend with no embryo....

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

It's over, it's over.....lalalalalala......

I don't feel NEARLY as crappy as I did yesterday, and I'm so glad I chose the surgical option over the medical. And I'm really glad I chose not to be sedated. There was a girl in the recovery room next to me who had been sedated, and she asked me, Did it hurt? Yes. Yes, it did. But I feel sort of like myself today, and my recovery time will be much quicker than if I'd chosen to be asleep (or if I'd chosen the medical, for that matter). Last night I felt like there was a big, gaping hole inside of me (isn't it funny what knowledge can do?), but today I feel a just a little crampy, and I'm still bleeding a little. But every time I think, I'm not pregnant! I do a little happy dance inside my head. I thought I would be grieving, and perhaps I just haven't hit that stage yet, but I'm just so relieved that I can go back to normal! My boobs are still big and tender, and I'll probably still be hormonal for a couple of weeks, but it's all on the downswing. Ladeeda.
No sex, though. Or drinking. For two weeks. Although right now I have no desire to put anything up in me anyway. But I'm sure in a couple of days I'll be as randy as a college frat boy and ready to get back on the horse. So to speak.

Also, it helps if your doctor is a tall, pretty, kind redhead that you kind of wish you were friends with.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Don't have an unwanted pregnancy

But if you do, get some good movies for later.

The abortion part sucks. Big time. First of all, the waiting part is just no fun. I was even lucky enough to be with my bestest girlfriend & I really couldn't have had a better person. We were contemplating dance numbers & little ironies all day. But I was there for almost 5 1/2 hours.
Secondly, the actual event is no picnic. They were right: there is cramping, with one BIG one during the last 45 seconds. I had two. But what's worse (at least for me, and they didn't tell me about this) is the after part. The part where I was having major cramps, nausea, dizziness, clamminess, and tingling in my hands. And I fainted. I was already in the wheelchair at that point, and she told me to sit up straight, and I said, I think I'm going to faint, and promptly did.
I didn't feel remotely like myself (even though I attempted some pretty lame jokes) for about 20 minutes. And now, 4 hours later, I still feel very weak and I'm cramping, even with the meds. They do say that if meds aren't enough to contact them 'cause there may be a problem, but I don't think I'm that bad, especially since the meds do work for the first couple of hours. It's just this last half hour or so. I get more in 40 minutes!

Okay, back to Return of the Jedi.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow

In less than 24 hours I will be freeeeee......!
It's actually happening this time, no fooling. I'm sure it will be fine, even though they make you sign something saying you won't sue if you die....
I'm so ready; just get this thing outta me so maybe I can start adoring my boyfriend again and maybe he'll start sleeping with me again. It's been a little bumpy lately.
I have this new knowledge, though. That I have this new part of me. I feel like more than myself, somehow. And I wonder if that will remain after the cells have been suctioned out.

Bye-bye, potential baby.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

If you've got it....

I think I'm going to wear a low-cut shirt tonight.
I rarely do that. But I've only got these puppies until Tuesday (or thereabouts-- how long does it take boobs to deflate after abortions?) and I may as well flaunt 'em.

I'm just waiting now. I honestly thought that I could get this taken care of as soon as I found out about it-- and the side effects from the medical just sound too gruesome and time-consuming-- but here I am, still fertilized. It really goes to show how information changes everything. Back when I found out, there was barely a speck inside me, but I felt closer to it then than I do now. When it didn't exist at all, hardly, I thought of it as a potential person. But now I think of it as something unwanted and soulless. That sounded cruel, and I don't know if I believe myself.