I went to Naomi's baby shower yesterday. I was still doing my happy-no-baby dance in my head when I saw her belly; while beautiful, I knew I didn't want it. And then I felt it, and I felt his shoulder move under her taut skin. And oh, oh I thought, this is what I could have had, this little person that's part of me, this little person inside. It was mine, my pre-baby, a full centimeter from crown to rump. It was me and my boy whom I love and someone else all together. And I couldn't hold it in. Luckily I was alone in the kitchen with one of my best friends, and he held me as I silently shook. And then we went for more champagne.
It was all over in a matter of minutes; I was happy again so quickly. But there it was. My elusive sadness.
Follow up appointment tomorrow. Still bleeding a little.