About kids

I've been wondering about kids lately.
My boyfriend has made it clear that he wouldn't mind never having them, and that he'd probably have to be talked into it with his arm twisted tightly behind him.
I was sure I wanted kids with my ex. He had this dream once that he was teaching a big workshop on the property of a mansion and someone asked his where his wife was, because I usually taught this workshop. And he looked back at the porch at there I was, playing the guitar, with a big, swollen, 8 months pregnant belly. And I thought that was the best dream anyone had ever had.
I wonder if my ambitions re children have to do with what my partner wants. I always thought that if I had gotten pregnant with my ex's child, I wouldn't have been able to get rid of it. But as soon as I had this pre-baby inside me, I knew I wanted it out.
Here's the ironic thing: my current boyfriend is far more supportive than my last one and I think I love him even more deeply.
I don't know if I want a child. Maybe. My guy would make an amazing father.
I wonder what I would do if I got pregnant again. I hope I don't have to find out anytime soon.

More on that pesky IUD

I just finished my 5th period since getting the IUD. After 8 days. Better. I learned a trick when I went in for my follow-up: take 800 mg of ibuprofen every 6 hours for the first three days. It's either that, or my uterus is getting used to the thing inside it... I don't want to risk finding out which, 'cause a couple of months ago my period was holding steady at 12 days and major cramping... which is helped almost entirely by the preemptive 800 mg....

I would recommend this thing highly to anyone who doesn't want to end up in Planned Parenthood getting a pre-baby sucked out of them. Although my sis just went in for an exam and asked about it and the doctor said not to get one unless you're in a monogamous relationship because if you get an STD the IUD can greatly complicate it. So that.

I still have a bit of a baby complex. In that I really want one a lot less than I used to. We'll see how that pans out.

IUD update

I'm on day 11 of my period. Wait-- 11? Is that right? Yup. I just counted again. I think it might be almost over. And the cramps! Oh, mother, they're a bitch and a half. Not as bad as the night I got my IUD, but that's only because of the lack of frequency and duration. Even with 800 mg of ibuprofen they are temporarily crippling. I have found myself doubled over on several methods of public transportation. I really hope this gets better.

Wow. I just received a call from a friend of mine who told me that she just found out that a condom broke a week ago and asked me what she should do. It's just never-ending. Thank God for the options.

Normalcy is wonderful

I feel like a human being again. Finally. I haven't gotten up the courage to check for my IUD strings yet (I don't know why; I'm not usually shy about those things) and I have slight cramping now and then, but other than that, I'm back in pre-pregnancy shape... or will be after a couple more weeks at the gym....
And I finally enjoy sex again. Even when we were technically allowed to go for it, I still felt injured, both in body and spirit. Sex didn't seem sexual. But I'm back! It's been been about 8 weeks since I found out I was pregnant, but it seems an eternity ago. It's warm out and I'm in flip-flops, about to go to the gym.

I feel like this is the ending to some Lifetime film, and I'm getting ready to ride my bike into the shiny April haze.

What they don't tell you

Or at least, what they didn't tell ME about getting the IUD, was that it is very possible for you to be doubled over in I-can't-sleep-'cause-this-hurts-too-much pain the night after you get it.
And the websites all say that "mild cramping" is normal, to be relieved by ibuprofen or Midol. I was on 1000 mg of Midol and 800 mg of ibuprofen and I still was seized by massive cramping every couple of minutes. So I did what any scared, hurting and neurotic young lady would do: Made her boyfriend give her a back rub and called the emergency Planned Parenthood hotline at 2:00am. A few minutes later I was called back by the on -call doctor, who also happened to be my abortion doctor. She sounded like she'd been woken up, but she was so kind and helpful. She said that she too had been miserable the night she got her IUD, and that some uterus(es? uteri?) have trouble adjusting and all they know how to do is cramp, but it was so worth it. And if it was still this painful in the morning, to schedule an appointment for that day. And to take something to knock myself out.
So I took 2 Tylenol PM and fell asleep. And felt much better in the morning. I'm still uncomfortable, but nothing like last night.

"Mild cramping" my ass.

My abortion doctor is a rock star.

I wish my boyfriend could have either gotten the abortion or the IUD

My follow-up appointment was today. I'm fine; didn't even need an ultrasound. I did, however, get a Paraguard IUD. It's the one with a copper wire wrapped around it. I'm kind of regretting that I didn't get the Mirena, which is the one with progestin. I don't like the idea of putting hormones in my body and when I was on the pill I got my period twice a month. So I opted for the one with no hormones. I forgot, however, that I'm a total wuss when it comes to discomfort, and with the Paraguard, you're more likely to have longer, heavier, more uncomfortable periods. If the cramps I'm experiencing now are anything like the ones I'm gonna get with my period from now on, I may very well get it taken out and get the Mirena put in. You don't really get full periods with the Mirena, but you may get some spotting throughout the month. I like that I get my period. It makes me feel like I'm doin' alright. But it may go by the wayside as a sacrifice to the sex gods.
They told me to wait 6 months to decide whether or not to keep it. I am extremely grumpy and crampy. And I'm bleeding. I am so ready for all this to be over.
At least I can go to yoga in the morning.

and the rain came tumbling down

I went to Naomi's baby shower yesterday. I was still doing my happy-no-baby dance in my head when I saw her belly; while beautiful, I knew I didn't want it. And then I felt it, and I felt his shoulder move under her taut skin. And oh, oh I thought, this is what I could have had, this little person that's part of me, this little person inside. It was mine, my pre-baby, a full centimeter from crown to rump. It was me and my boy whom I love and someone else all together. And I couldn't hold it in. Luckily I was alone in the kitchen with one of my best friends, and he held me as I silently shook. And then we went for more champagne.
It was all over in a matter of minutes; I was happy again so quickly. But there it was. My elusive sadness.

Follow up appointment tomorrow. Still bleeding a little.