It's been almost 10 years since I had my abortion.

If I hadn't aborted, I would have shrunk instead of grown. My aunt would say that maybe it would have turned out to be a gift, but I disagree with my heart, gut, and soul.

He was the wrong person for me. It hurts to write that, like it's slighting him for some reason. I wanted so much to make it work. He wanted that even more, but he wanted me to tamp down who I am, and my now-husband wants to see me soar.

I'm back on here because we're "trying," which is a word I hate. "Encouraging" is better. "Hopeful" works too.

I may even be pregnant now. My period is late. But it's been all over the place since I went off birth control anyway.

I'm 36.

Even if conception is harder - or unavailable - I'm still so grateful for the choice I made 10 years ago.
More people are talking about abortion now. There are more stories to relate to. But not enough flavors.  1 in 4 women have abortions. That's down from 1 in 3. But still: everyone loves someone who had an abortion. Whether or not they know it.

Mirena, part dos

About a year ago I started getting more pimples on my chin. This has been a sporadic issue for me throughout my adult life, so I didn't take too much notice. I went to a dermatologist and changed my topical meds. It didn't work. I changed 'em again. Still nothing. After a third round that kept the status quo, I realized that perhaps my growing, sore breasts (at age 29) were related to the zits (one's chin is a traditional place for hormonal acne). After some Googling, I discovered a legion of women with the same issues. They all had the Mirena IUD. After more Googling, I discovered that the Mirena has a kind of progestin that's linked to androgenic effects. Big, nasty chin pimples are among those.

I had the Mirena removed four months ago. And went on Ortho-cyclen, a pill with lower androgenic effects. I had my hormone levels tested, my thyroid tested; both normal. Slowly, since the extraction of the Mirena, the effects have dwindled. As diabolically pleasurable as squeezing a pimple until the pus hits the mirror can be, I'm cautiously thrilled.

I wasn't given enough information about the possible symptoms from levonorgestrel, the progestin. And by not enough, I mean none. If I had been, perhaps I could have recognized mine earlier.

The breasts stayed the same size, although the soreness is gone. Sigh. No birth control is perfect. I needed new bras anyway. And for that, I recommend the ladies at Nordstrom bring you 30+ models to test-drive.

Who wants a baby? Not this girl...

right? Right? I remember the get-this-thing-outta-me-right-now feeling. I remember it well. But I did learn to adore a child recently. Her name is Clara and I babysat for her all spring, summer and early fall. She is smart, creative and charming. I suppose it doesn't really matter who or what she is, because I realized that I can love a little one. Wait--back up a minute.  This girl?
Here's what I really realized: that there is a big part of me that is Career Oriented. And that part of me wants my independence for-eva. But the soft part of me wants to know the love a mother has for her baby, because I know it's bigger than anything I've ever known. I don't regret my decision to have an abortion for one second. I would do it again in a heartbeat. But maybe someday...when I'm 35 or something....I'll ruin my flat stomach and my size 7 1/2 feet so that I can love in a new way.

Happy Abortionersary to me.

I passed my Abortionersary and didn't even notice!

Occasionally my boyfriend or I will say, Remember when you/I was pregnant? It's usually me. And he's usually forgotten that it happened. Oh, yeah, he'll say. That was crazy, huh?
I believe this is a good thing. Our relationship was not damaged by that detour. The only mark it has left is my lack of yearning for a baby.
Not even my friend's beautiful, charming 3 year old gets my ovaries a-pumping.

There is a truly great quote that sums up the experience. It was a comment on my last posting.
Thanks, commenter.

No woman wants an abortion as she wants an ice cream cone or a Porsche. She wants an abortion as an animal caught in a trap wants to gnaw off its own leg. ~Frederica Mathewes-Green

Damn right.

Happy Anniversary of freedom, Eve. Happy Anniversary of my choice.

The Other Side

I think it's important that everyone with an opinion is able to express that opinion (keeping in mind that the line between expression and harassment needs to be considered). In that spirit, I am publishing two comments on my last entry that were sent to me this morning. I believe the sender didn't realize that I have control over the postings and so tried to post the second when the first didn't go through.
Since I am involved in the battle over abortion only through my experience and not on the front lines, I forget, on a day to day basis, that those who are strongly opposed exist (I find the comments slightly amusing, I must admit... cliched, really... I mean they're just so general...not specific to me at all... but not everyone's a writer... not even myself, if I'm being honest....).
So here ya go, person. It's your right to speak.

Mirena, Mirena

Here's the breakdown:

Bled for a couple of days. Stopped bleeding until my period, which was only a day late. Have been bleeding moderately since, which has been two weeks now. It was never heavy. My clinician said I may bleed on and off for a couple of months, but it should eventually become much lighter and infrequent and may even stop on a semi-permanent basis. Which she said she was initially not a fan of, but she realized that back in the day women didn't have their periods nearly as much as we do now, because they were having babies and nursing for a large period (haha) of the time. So perhaps it's not a bad thing to give one's body a break. I've been menstruating for 13 years straight (with a quick pregnancy break). I'm ready to ease up. Especially since I became borderline anemic because I've been bleeding so much over the past nine months.

On a related note:
If I hadn't gotten the abortion I'd have a two month old.
Thank you, Planned Parenthood.
Wow. That made me slightly sad. But that's nothing compared to the relief I still feel.

In With the New

A Mirena is now inside my uterus.
This happened yesterday. I was pretty worried 'cause of the massive amounts of pain I went through getting the Paraguard, especially the horrid cramping well into the night.
This one was a breeze, comparatively. It was no picnic, to be sure. There are certain kinds of pain that are worse than others, and having my cervix cracked open is one of my least favorites. But it was over quickly and the only drawback was that my pulse was low, so I was nauseated and they had to keep me horizontal for a while. My clinician said that it was probably easier because since she took my Paraguard out (which wasn't bad at all), my cervix was more relaxed than it would have been.
I had a little cramping last night and this morning, but very mild.
Apparently it's likely that I'll have spotting for 2-3 months, but they really can't give me an idea of how this will effect me. It's different for everyone.
I like the ladies at this Planned Parenthood. They're down to earth and supercool. My clinician is a roller derby girl.